Prelude to World Tour

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Namely what it is I'm doing with my life and what it is I exactly want. The end of 2007 was a rough one. I found myself in the throes of some serious depression and there seemed like nothing that could lift me out of it. It's been forever and a half since I had felt this down, at times unable to pull myself out of bed for even the most mundane of things except for maybe running to the corner store for cigarettes to help smoke away the anxiety. I think I divided my time between sleeping as much as I could and drinking and drugging it off with whatever illicit substance I had on hand.

Looking back at it now, it all seems so silly I went to that place and at the same time alarming too because I think it happened a lot more times than I care to admit or remember. There were a couple brief periods that I'd find myself on top of the world with these intense bursts of energy that would motivate me to enthusiastically apply for jobs or breeze through my to-do lists but sadly those moments would last for about as long as relationship can stick to a hipster, leaving me to stew in my own puddle of sad and pathetic. I think I recently read somewhere that the symptoms for manic depression includes severe and extreme mood swings where a person in the peak of their highs will experience mania in impulsive and rash decision making while in the depths of their lows will be incapable of functioning on even the most basic of levels. Within that there's definitely a range of in betweens and by no means am I saying that I'm one with a severe manic depressive problem, only thinking that tying it to something definable helps make it somewhat easier to tackle.

Recently I discovered a word that so perfectly describes what I chronically do that I couldn't believe I hadn't come to it earlier. That word for me is brood. I brood incessantly. Non-stop. I dwell on what has been, what's going to happen, mistakes I've made, how I could have prevented them, why it keeps happening, how everyone else is better than me, how stupid I am for allowing myself to be where I'm at, how silly my neuroses are, my inability at controlling the damning thoughts, on and on in an endless loop until I eventually arrive in such a deep funk that when there's no where else to go but up, I'll momentarily snap out of it only to quickly spiral back down after realizing how much time I've wasted on brooding in the first place. It's all self indulgent bullshit really.

And there's also times I've wish and wondered why it weren't a viable option to just lay down and give up. Now no need for alarm. I'm not talking about suicide (I value the gift of life too much for that) but more like how nice it would be to escape into a black void where there wouldn't be anything to tax me emotionally or mentally. It's during those moments that I think I'd gladly trade away any brief waves of euphoria for the possibility of never having to go the depths of shitty again.

And here I thought after all these years of experiential learning mixed with a dedicated portion devoted to spirituality, the exit of my 20s would have signified that I had left the worse behind me. But here I was again back to square one well into my 30s. I was no further along in my search for true and lasting happiness than I was at 25 when I was making my 1st thrilling realizations about life, the universe and everything. In reality, I think I might actually be worse off than I was 8 years ago although I think that statement feeds into a relentless cycle of self defeating cynicism right there. At least I had the optimism and energy to approach it with determination and unbounded enthusiasm back then.

With the closing of 2007 and a long overdue assessment, I think that maybe perhaps I've been in a perpetual state of depression this whole time without even being consciously aware of it? The final few months a culmination of all I had cultivated or shall we say NOT cultivated for the past 3 years. All of which has obviously proved to be unsustainable. The dull pang is no longer content lingering in the dark shadows of my consciousness quietly feeding on my neuroses but rather is wanting to assert its existence with the subtly of a barging semi through a delicate crystalline field. 3 years of living and I feel like there hasn't been one iota of progress. 3 years is a long fucking time. You can accomplish a lot in that amount of time. I can also add that I can pinpoint exactly why and how it began. I gave up most of my spiritual practice right around the time kris and I broke up. I never really properly mourned our breakup or spent any time coming to terms about what went wrong or why. Never worked on resolving the anger or strong emotional ties. I just decided that everything that I had worked on and all the beliefs I built until then just ultimately let me down. Plus I now realize how much of it was tainted by the bullshit scene I was in back then. Same people. Different costumes. Leave it to scenesters to make a mockery of anything that can be pure and decent. So I let it go. I renounced its worth and purposely decided that turning to old vices and coping mechanisms was much less work and at the very least instantly more gratifying than what I was doing until then. Which in hindsight actually turns out to be a shite way of dealing with your problems after all.

That being said I think this phase of my life is quickly coming to an end (fingers crossed.) When it became painfully obvious that I was markedly less happy than I was 5 years ago and then also seeing how all my actions and decisions were starting to smack of desperation in an embarrassing and shaming way, I decided that I could no longer consciously continue on this path I chose for myself. The way I was handling my affairs was and is definitely not working out. With that in mind I started thinking about how my happiness was my own personal responsibility and mine alone. That nobody could do it for me or give it to me. So I sat down and composed a list. A list of things that made me happy. Among some of those things was traveling, music, creating and experiencing art, my cats, a good haircut, a warm and cozy bed, people who love me, accomplishments, connecting with someone, etc, etc, and the list went on. It was shortly after making that list while being at the gym that I had an impulsive thought. I was still contemplating the idea of being in charge of my own happiness and thought back to the time when I had this grand idea of traveling the world. It's something I've had on my list of life goals and was actually working on when I abandoned it 3 years ago. I had even saved up close to 18,000 so that I could do a full year of traveling. What happened? I got a job offer and decided to set it aside concluding that the world will always be there and that I could always go later if I wanted to. Fast forward to Jan 2008 and here we are. It was that moment on the treadmill that I vividly remember I decided to "just do it." There was nothing holding me back and if I didn't do it now, well then when would I? So within a span of 2 weeks I started the wheels a-turning and bought an around the world trip ticket. I figured once I committed myself to a $2000 ticket there would be no turning back and with only one direction but forward to move, it would insure me against self sabotage and the changing of minds.

But even after all this, I had to come to a deeper and decidedly better realization. It's always the case that when you think you've peeled away all the layers of the onion you soon end up discovering that you've still got many more to go. I suppose that's the nature of the beast, it's never what you think it is. So this 2nd realization was the discovery that it's not just about creating outside conditions that bring you happiness but realizing that it's more about cultivating the conditions in your mind that set you up for being happy. What does that mean you ask? Well, I think a lot of us or I'll speak for myself and say me for example, get these ideas in my head that what is causing my unhappiness is due to what's lacking in my life and that if I can somehow obtain whatever it is that is missing, be it the perfect job, the perfect boyfriend, a slimmer figure, fame and recognition, or whatever else I'm fancying at that moment, it would bring me one step closer to completion. Well what a crock of shit that is! The truth is even when you get that perfect job you may end up with a shitty boss or getting those projects you didn't exactly hope for. You might lure an acceptable boyfriend but it turns out he's emotionally unavailable. Either way you're back to where you started, reaching for that carrot or brooding on what you don't have. I hear stories of people living in the poorest of villages with barely more than the clothes on their backs in worldly possessions and yet they still manage to retain that optimism and a smile on their face. It's a notion that begs to be looked at and I've had to ask myself numerous times how can it be that if I'm blessed with an overabundance in my life why is it I am still miserably unhappy.

So what does this all mean? Well I think that acknowledging the misplaced expectations on what you think will make you happy is the 1st step. The 2nd is cutting yourself a break and giving yourself a little breathing room so that you can work on the things that keep you from being happy. Essentially accepting yourself to be human, flaws and all, and to stop resisting all the negative things you are unwilling to admit to yourself that blocks you from being free. Resistance only gives whatever it is you're trying to ignore substance and creates a monster akin to the bogeyman. Doesn't it stand to argue then that way to make him disappear is to shine a light on him or to kill him? But how is it exactly do we come to this state of transformation? Well the best solution I've been able to come up with is the nurturing of a consistent meditation practice. Only because it seems the best way to clear yourself the psychological space to work in. I know that this answer is a bit murky and abstract but at this point it's as much as I've been able to grasp since it's also something I'm in the process of sorting out myself. Well, at least it's a starting point...

Anyways, I've been forced to take a long hard look at life in San Francisco and the level of my satisfaction there. Since I've moved there I've constantly had to ask myself why it's so goddamn hard to achieve contentment. I've discussed it with friends old and new knowing that the bitter cynicism does me a disservice in leaving a negative impression with others. It's now at the point where I've already cycled through one round of intense soul searching, given it up, revisited old vices, and given it a go with therapy. I'm not sure if it's the city, if it's the people, or if it's me but I am willing to bet it's somewhere between all of the above. I've also come to some none too flattering conclusions about the nature of that city and it's people but that's for another blog, another time. For now I've been working on this unfinished soliloquy for weeks and I feel it's time I wrap up and post, since having it sit unfinished on my hard drive is hindering me from cycling through this inhibiting frame of mind. It's also true that I all too often cheap out on endings because of my short attention span but in my best interests you'll have to settle for what I'm giving now. Rather than letting myself obsess over it's overall perfectedness I'm going to afford myself the luxury of knowing that there's always tomorrow to try again and that's all you've got to remember in working towards becoming better at what you do. As much as I despise Nike and it's culture, I have to admit the brilliance behind the words to "Just do it." Anyhow my patience wears thin and with those closing words I'll end it here and bid you peace out!